I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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