I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
