I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
