Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
