I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
