I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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