she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
As shirtless as possible
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
