She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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