well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
