I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
