I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
