and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
