i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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