I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
