Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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