Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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