Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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