ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
