I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
My vagina is very pro this idea
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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