cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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