i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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