my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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