I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
