a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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