Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
