meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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