Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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