you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
