I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You don't make any sense
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