Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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