i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
