I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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