I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
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