i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
