I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
