Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
