Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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