The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
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