This is not my ceiling
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
