One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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