Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
