There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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