Cold hands, warm shart.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
