When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
