I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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