I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
