the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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