I think I won the penis lottery.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize