I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
