So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
