I think my fart just growled at me.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My feet surprised me
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
