Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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