I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
