I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
