You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Hippo gnu deer
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
