Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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