and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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