new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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